Dear family and friends,
I made a trip to visit Eama for an extended weekend and wanted to give you a progress report.
In Judaism we divide mourning into four periods. The first is the period between when a loved one dies and when he is buried. During this time, our tradition teaches, we are generally excused from rational and productive existence. There is an expectation that we make no big decisions and that we are permitted to just be numb. In our case Abba Z”L passed on May 11 and was buried on May 16.
A new clock begins when we burry our loved ones. From burial we sit with our loss for seven days. This period is called shivah which is a bit of a play on words because the word for seven is shivah and the word meaning to sit is shev. During this second period those formally recognized as mourners—mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, brothers, sisters, and spouses—sit on low chairs or even on the floor and the community rallies around them addressing their needs while giving them time and space to adjust to their new normal. Shivah for Abba began following the funeral on May 16 and ended when we got up from our sitting on May 24.
The third period, known as shloshim (the Hebrew word for 30), continues the formal mourning process for all formally recognized mourners. Encompassing shivah, it too begins at the conclusion of the funeral but extends for thirty days. Even though shivah may have ended, Judaism recognizes that those mourners need more time to adjust to the new normal. June 14 marked the end of shloshim.
There is a tradition that during shloshim mourners stay close to home and only travel when absolutely necessary. As shloshim came to a close, so too did Eama’s time in Boston. She packed up what remained of her belongings there and moved back home to Milwaukee. While the end of shloshim marked the end of the formal mourning period for everyone but the children of the departed, there is always room in Judaism for being reasonable in one’s approach to finding the end to formal mourning. Eama has found a pace that makes sense to her and she is slowly moving toward an end to the formal mourning and a return to a slightly more normal life. She is not there yet and so she is not yet ready for visitors and callers. For some perspective here are a few vital statistics:
Eama and Abba grew up in the same small town, Canton, Ohio, where they attended the same synagogue as children. They first dated in high school and got married while in college. They were married for 45 years and marked their 45th anniversary in December of 2018. Eama was 15 months younger than Abba. Eama and Abba got married not long before Eama lost her father to complications associated with cancer. Given that they knew each other for the majority of their memories and they were married for far longer than Jews in ancient times even could expect to live, it seems only fitting that shloshim for Eama is longer than thirty days.
Additionally, since Abba’s passing we have collectively received 1,000s of messages in one form or another and most of those messages contained a sentiment that the sender would like to speak with Eama and visit with her as soon as she is ready. While she is receiving a great deal of love and strength from this outpouring of support, you can imagine how easy it would be for her to be overwhelmed if she hurried her shloshim. Though she is not ready to open the flood gates to these visitors and callers just yet, she gets closer each day.
The final period, the remainder of the year following the funeral, is reserved for the children of the deceased. During that period it is tradition for the children to say Kaddish every day. This is a practice I’ve been observing and will continue to observe for the remainder of my year. On this trip, as I continue to say kaddish each day and attend synagogues around Milwaukee, I am touched by the kindness of folks at each location who tell me that they are saddened by the loss of Abba, that they feel deeply for Savta, Uncle Sheldon, Eama, Nadav and me, and that they are aware that Eama isn’t ready yet for them to visit or call and they are trying very hard to respect her wishes. Eama has expressed to me several times during this trip that she is so grateful for that support and for that restraint. As soon as she is ready, she will begin reaching out to friends. Until then, know she is doing what she needs to do as she adjusts to this strange new normal.
Apart from visiting my mother (and my cousin Leslie who was able to stop in Milwaukee on her way back to Colorado from a road trip to the east coast), I was also able to spend some time working with my mother and cousin on preparations for the community gathering occurring next month for Abba. As you will recall, the gathering will be held on Sunday, July 14, but I promised I would send additional details to you as they became available.
The gathering will be hosted by Rabbi Marc Berkson at his synagogue, Congregation Emanu-El B’ne Jeshurun (2020 W. Brown Deer Rd., River Hills, WI 53217). The gathering is open to all and there is no cost to attend. For this event we have requested that various friends from various parts of Abba’s life gather to collectively paint a picture for us of Abba. We’ll hear from old friends, new friends, friends from his involvement in the secular world, and the Jewish world, and even the fantastic world that was his creative writer-mind. Doors will open at 10AM and this shared expression will begin promptly at 11AM (and is expected to last about an hour give or take).
For those of you who will be unable to attend the gathering in person, it will be webcasted live and recorded for offline viewing. More information will be provided as it becomes available closer to the 14th. For those of you who will be attended in person, if you are coming from out of town, the Milwaukee airport is abbreviated MKE and we are working on obtaining a discounted rate at three hotels:
- the Fairfield Inn (7035 N Port Washington Rd, Glendale, WI 53217) which is the newest of the three has rooms for around $160/night
- the Residence Inn (7003 N Port Washington Rd, Glendale, WI 53217) which is next door to the Fairfield is around $200/night, but you get a kitchen
- the Four Points Sheraton (8900 N Kildeer Ct, Brown Deer, Milwaukee, WI 53209) is around $170/night and offers a shuttle from the airport
If you are coming from out of town, please let me know when you’ll arrive and how long you’ll stay as soon as possible. If you require housing that is Shomer Shabbat and/or Shomer Kashrut, our friend Ronna Pachefsky has offered to assist you in making those arrangements. Email me and I’ll connect you with her. If you visit the Abba Updates website you’ll find there is a new “home” page which contains this information (and more) and on which I will continue to add additional details as they become known. I look forward to seeing you in mid-July or whenever next we meet.
Love,
Ariel
PS
Check out that front page for information on donations in honor of my Abba.